The mad spend fest known as Christmas is fast approaching. To any cats out there who are unaware what exactly this means I'll tell you. It's a time of year when most humans go berserk and spend seven or eight times more money than they actually earn. Most of the following year is then given over to trying to financially recover from this mania with the exception of the annual summer holiday to Torremolinos or some other overly hot Mediterranean destination where further fiscal stupidity, that they can ill-afford, takes place.
During the Christmas period you can expect your humans to behave in all manner of odd ways. They will dress differently for one thing. All of a sudden the simple idea of going for an evening out becomes an excuse for them to make complete fools of themselves by donning pointy red hats with white trim, adorning their necks with hairy metallic ropes, wearing garish musical ties that defy explanation and pullovers that look like an explosion in a knitwear factory.
Whilst dressed in this ridiculous manner you can then expect your human to return home from their night of revelry in a state of utter dishevelment, throwing their guts up and getting rather tired and emotional about it all. The next morning they will hate themselves with a vengeance and vow never to make the same mistake again. This is usually a lie, they will do it again. It's all very strange.
Then we come to food. A lot of it to be exact. Your human will eat at least twice their own body weight in high calorie comestibles over Christmas and then moan about their bloated carcasses for weeks to come afterwards. They will eat food that is simply unavailable at other times of the year, mainly involving compacted dried fruit in some form or other. They will eat turkey. Quite delicious it is, but then won't even look at another turkey for the next eleven months. And before cooking the turkey they will shove raw sausage meat up it's arse. This means that the sausage meat will not cook properly but they will still eat it anyway and then wonder why they end up racing each other to the toilet for the rest of the afternoon. They will put metal coins into puddings, alcohol into custard, and wrap pork products around other pork products and consider themselves normal. NORMAL!!! Also, at this time, Brussels Sprouts will be consumed in vast quantities and we all know where that can lead to don't we. Enough said!
And of course there's the Christmas pop music. Sorry, did I say music? What I meant to say was slushy old pap that for some reason gets them all misty eyed and nostalgic for the 'good old days'. Ok, some of the songs are just about bearable but others are stomach churningly offensive slices of tired old schmalz that are more likely to bring a lump to the back of the underpants than to the throat. And yet, they seem to delight in listening to the same old guff year in, year out. Never anything new. Oh no! The same old same old every Christmas. And yet, they wouldn't touch any of these songs with a barge pole for the rest of the year. Utterly bewildering it is.
I could go on but I've made myself nauseous now at the thought of it all. So I'll just finish off with these words of moggy wisdom to all my feline readers. Avoid it all. Get yourself to the bedroom or some other darkened space and sleep through it all. It won't be easy as they can get very cacophonous, but do try. I must admit that my pair aren't too bad so it'll be quite easy for me. But to all you cats out there who have to endure all that nonsense my thoughts will be with you.
P x